You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
