She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
