These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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