You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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