Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
