i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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