She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
