he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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