I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
