tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
