ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
