i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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