my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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