Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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