summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize