id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
