ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
