I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
