just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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