I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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