Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
