Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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