We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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