The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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