No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Damn victory sex feels great
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
