He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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