I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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