high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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