did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
We named our party play list daddy issues
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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