I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize