On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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