3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
