Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
