I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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