Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
