i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
