My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
