Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize