Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
