He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
