Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
