evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
