She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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