My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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