Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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