don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
