oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
