Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
