I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I AM VODKA MAN
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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