I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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