Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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