Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
