Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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