I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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