Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
