i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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