She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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