I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
